Feelings

So yesterday, first I was in the Library in the morning, as I don’t have a printer. As fate would have it , the computer that was assigned to me, had me sitting next to a rather attractive young, frum lady. She was quite a distraction, but not for the obvious reason that most people would think. I really admired her shoes and hosiery. How I would of loved to tell her, and have a girl-girl conversation.

Her sheitl was also really beautiful. I found it frustrating, beyond words that I couldn’t tell her so, but obviously in our circles that would be suicidal. I wonder how many of my new friends, that BH, I have been fortunate to meet thru this blog experiences these nesoynos on a regular basis.




Later on in the afternoon, I had to attend a Vort . Since, I didn’t know a soul there, as it was my wife’s friend , I spent most of the time together with my wife in the lady’s section. There was no one to talk to, so I basically was just observing what everyone was wearing, and how put-together most of the girls were. I experienced tremendous feelings of jealousy, as I would of loved to get all dolled out for this affair. Especially since on a more social note, I find it somewhat unfair that often I can go to a Shalom Zochur or Kiddush, even with a crowd that I know and still just sit there the whole time and be totally ignored. Whereas, my wife or mother-in-law can go to the same simchas, and know absolutely no one and yet all the ladies are very friendly and talk to them the whole time. . I sometimes make myself happy by fantasizing that I say some magic words, and puff, Im one of the girls, the prettiest one, lol…

Shirah, commented about the brocha “Shelo Asani Isha”. That is something to ponder. Do you go by your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or do you still go by your physical mtzius. Its hard to say. On the whole topic of cross-dressing in general, and the emotional feelings in particular, first I asked a number of rather Yeshivish Rovs in the community. I specifically went to the ones that I had the impression were very open-minded and understating. To my total chagrin and disappointment, they just said, that it’s a disgusting, sick world and such ppl need help. Fortunately, I was pleased that I emailed here, and they did a very nice piece, even though they sidestepped the core of the matter. But at least, I know where to go to discuss it further.

In conclusion, I also want to say thank youto SaraH, the warmth and friendship she has extended me means a lot.

Fiction is back up

AvivaTamar has posted her old fiction posts, this time in one chapter-based post. Click on her link at right to read it all.

Shavuos Get Together

We will be having our Shavuos party Wed afternoon by Aviva’s house Wed afternoon. Since I am making all the cheesecake, Im providing the recipe here.


3/4 bag vanilla cookies, crumbed
several spats butter

Dump crumbs into 9" round pan (the foil pans have the 8 triangles on the bottom - that is the indication that it is the 9" pan), place spats of butter on crumbs and place in oven that is pre-heating on 350 degrees for a coupla' minutes, until you see the globs of butter melting down. Remove. Mix crumbs with butter, then press crumbs down to form crust.
Cheese Mixture:
1 lb. farmer cheese
1 small sour cream
3/4 - 1 cup sugar (depending on how sweet you like it)
1 scoop vanilla sugar
3 eggs
2 tsp. lemon juice or 1/2 squeezed fresh lemon
3 tbsp. flour

Blend all ingredients well, until very creamy. Pour onto crust and bake for 50 minutes at 350 degrees.
Decorate as per your individual liking.Enjoy! It's cheap and yum!
Then Im going to do a nice chocolate fudge topping…







Sara is bringing her special Fettucini Alfredo…



I got a nice comfortable hat and suit for yomtov…Along with shoes to match.










Aviva, stunning as usual..





Looking forward to seeing everyone… ChagSameach..
Sara_H, your invited too…

My World and Welcome to It

Another look into my world. While going about my numerous errands on a very busy Sunday afternoon with my wife we stopped in a Barnes and Nobles to pick up a copy of Newsweek. Thank you, Shira for the tip about the article. Ordinarily, it would of been unconsequential. However, since I usually only buy computer magazine and Yiddishe periodicals, so it raised some suspicion.

After this we needed to go to Walmart, as she just had her monthly Vest, and it really hit hard, totally soaking thru an overnight pad in 2 hours, with severe spasms. Something,that, us wannabee-girls dont have to experience, BH.

Once inside Walmart, I decided once I'm already there, I would get Nair or a similar product for my legs . Now, for regular girls, this is as routine as buying a carton of milk. However, in my case, I had to employ considerable stealth and cunning as well as tremendous discretion. When she had her products, I convinced her to pay for them and go to the bathroom. This allowed me time to make my purchase.Only problem was that all I could see in the store were Chasidishe yidden. As I was trying to make my selection, it became necessary to walk away from that aisle numerous times when froin in bindelach, came by to look at stuff.

Not that I minded the oportunity to admire their outfits. Many of them are clearly more fashion-conscious and color coordinated then plain vanilla frum women, but I so don't go for that coffee shade hosiery look.

Finally, I found what I wanted, and managed to buy it and hide it in the car, while my better half was in the bathroom.. Mission accomplished, although it felt as dangerous as doing something like shoplifting jewelry...Anyone else have these experiences...

Night Out for the Girls

Originally I intended for this to be a very serious blog, for discussing feelings and emotions, halachic and haskafic thoughts on the subject.

However, my dear friend Aviva, asked if I could write some fiction. So I figured its Rosh Hodesh, and Sfira is over, so why not have some fun.

Sara really does need to get out more, so Avia, myself, SM, and Esti decided, why not go to this lovely Tzedoka event. I heard about this backyard BBQ in a very posh neighborhood.. Fortunately, I don’t live anywhere near there and no one knows me or my friends, so why not. Aviva thought it was a great idea, so I called SM, and Esti. Chumi couldn’t make it, because her best friends Vort was that night.

It took a long time to decide what to wear. I had these outfits to choose from .







Finally I decided on this.



It goes well with these...

...





Now I need a Sheitl to go with it..








Now all I need is the right bag.. Decisions, decisions... !!!






Nuance Perfume was the piece de Resistance..

Aviva had a really stunning outfit, too.





When you go to these functions, its very important to come early, because one would that these ladies never saw food in their life, all the good stuff disapears so fast. The pregnant ones, especially can really eat, K'Ayin Hora. Can't say that I blame them as the food is really good, and I love BBQ.. However, its worth mentioning, and this is serious, pay mention to how you eat. If you are used to being around Yeshiva guys, your manners are probably not up to snuff. The ladies have impeccable manners and etiquette and eat very gracefully. This will give you away faster than anything else.

The Chinese Auction was really exquisite. I ended up with nothing as usual, story of my life, but Esti is always winning something. This time, a really cool Cuisinart blender, last time it was a very elegant lamp.

After that, there was a musical presentation, by a group of High Schol girls.
Uch, oh, now we're in trouble, I said to Aviva.I had to think fast.

Upon reviewing the entire sugya in my mind and working it through, I finally came to the following conclusion. First of all, R Ezril Hildesheimer wrote a Tshuva and Poskined that Trei Kolos Lo Mistamei (several voices at once arent discernible ). and tend to drown each other out so there isnt a recognizable Kol Isha. Although the Gam' in Sotah 48a, discusses a ladies quoir with men answering the refrains and finds it very bad, because it incites the Yetzer Hara, like a lit match burns up straw.The Mishna Brura (560:13), cites this and rather vehemently condems this custom of quoires in shul. Nevertheless, this case is different. Tos' in RH, states that if one hears a Tekiah and a trumpet-blast at the same time, one can be yoitzeh the mitzva of Tekias Shofar, because he greatly relishes the mitzva and will be mechavin to the Shofar. One sees from this, that if not for the mitzva, we would say Trei Koilos Lo Mistame. So it would seem that in this case, with the girls singing, one can rely on R Hildesheimer's psak. In addition, there is a tziruf, that there was a microphone/sound system, so we are actually hearing Kol electronics, rather than a real Kol Isha.

As it turned out, during the singing, a lady sitting next to us, was talking rather loudly to her frend about a girl that just got engaged..In the row behind us, two girls were discussing how crazy their HS is, and how new takanas are being enforced concerning tight A-line skirts. So we didnt hear the singing so clearly.

Most of the ladies were vere very sweet. Sometimes you meet very snobby types, at these things, but this time it was very nice, and it was for a very chshuv Hachnasas Calla organization.

We left a lil bit early, so we could go out for drinks. We're all a lil bit decadent, and they never serve alcohol at woman's events.

After a very delightful conversation about shoes, upscale salad-bars, and where to go for sales on summer-weight knits, it was time to call it a night.A wondeful time was had by all..

Shabbos was Wonderful

I must say the past Friday night was a real rush. I was feeling particularly, down, because I read so much online about CrossDressing, and check a few very good forums, but I was still seriously procrastinating. Partially, due to the time,but there is also sthing, that needs to be done, learn, davern, eat, sleep, check the endless amt of blogs, orums, chatrooms, etc...They can be really addictive. Not to many thousands of really cool sht to see online. I could spend all my waking hours, just cleaning and organizing my home. But you have to prioritize, really.

Here I am in the same gringy black pinstriped suit, wrinkled up white shirt, very far-hungert tznipsl (I think thats yeshivish-yiddish or dorm-speak for a very blase tie that seen better days) . Scratched up ecco loafers, that are eechhh, theyll do. Just feeling and looking at these clothes, really depressed me more then usual. It might be easy, to just make the internet the culprit, like everyon does in my circles. They blaim the internet on everything from a bad hair day, to a bad economy, to the theoretical Shidduch crisis ( doesnt it just stink when you got to have a Porshe and you barely have enuf $ for a 10 yr old run-down VW), to the reason for the turmoil thruout the world. However, to be totally honest, these strong desires and feelings were very much a part of me long before this was an internet, or even home computers, so I dont know.

Will blogs such as this, and other cyberfriends that dont make me feel like the lone sicko, propel me to embrace a CD lifestyle, possibly Transition, or was I anyway just doomed to snap, if I tried to just bottle it up and deny it for life.

I suppose at the end of the day, if someone is hearing-impaired Chas V Shalom, do they reject a hearing aid, or treatment, so theyll hear Loshon Hara, I dont know..

So anyway, I was determined to go for it, or at least privately until I did more research on social interaction. Afterall, this is potentially suicidal. Were not talking non-jewish open-minded club-hopping chicks in So-Ho, that might accept it after a fashion, especially if they were snorting, lol... But I could never feel comfortable or relate to such ppl. As I have been hermetically sealed in an intensely, closeminded, insulated suburb way upstate NY, for over 20 yrs. Im not complaining, dont get me wrong, I love the sweet, lovely BY girls very much, and feel infinitely closer to them, than I would to any Goy, even a very nice, open-minded, accepting one.

That why, as much as I am literally dying to go out enfemme, it requires tremendous research, and planning, so that I dont scare or freak anyone out.

Before Shabbos, I had a very nice bubble-bath, Jean Nate beads, it was heavenly. I want to remove the thick growth of hair on my legs, and chest, but havn't decided whether its better to use a plain razor and cream, or something such as Nair or Veet. One apprehension, I suppose is that, it might cause suspicion at a men's mikva. I guess, I can go to a small quiet one, at a time when no one is there, or just say that I shaved it all off, for bicycle-racing and swimming purposes. For the time being, I guess, nude pantyhose, is out, even though that is my favorite hade and texture, so I will stick to black, navy blue, and off-white/ivory-opaque.

I splashed on Chanel #5, and it was a very exhilarating feeling.My choice for the evening was a very nice black suede suit, with strips across the jacket and golden-swirl buttons, with matching black corderoy skirt. I can not even begin to describe the total state of euphoria, I felt. Never dreamed I could have such strong feelings of ectasy alone. It was an incredible high.

Then I shaved very meticulously for a change, applied beard cover, which works incredibly better then I thought it would, very good foundation, blush, rose lipstick (it really does pay to get the good stuff), mascara, eye-liner, and a lil rouge for just the right color.

Finally, the piece-de-resistance was a Georgie Eurpoean HH Farra Mono..




I was astonished that I looked better then the majority of the women in the neighborhood.My main dilemma, though is the voice. There is one girl a block or two away, that can't talk, and appears to sign, I think. So it occurred, to me to do likewise, but I would never want to bump into her, and she might think, she has a new 'friend' just like her. Since I'm really not, I would really awful about such an awkward situation, especially since a very nice girl like that, who already has her share of challenges is the last person whose feelings I would want to hurt, albeit unintentionally. There are numerous things mentioned on various forums about voice-training and the like,I wonder if it really works, and how long it takes.

SM, or anyone else, how have you dealt with this issue. Another matter, that is bothering me somewhat, is what do you do if you make a close female friend, and then the new-you, or occasional-you, disapears for several weeks. Do you avoid making such friends, or just say you travel out of town a lot, or something like that.

I am really trying to go for this look...






Thanks for all your help...


For those with beard problems...

The Origins

Ever since I was a small boy, I always felt more comfortable around girls. Throughout elementary school, I only walked home and played with girls in school, my block, and all other social settings. Although many attempts were made on my part to interact with other boys, in many areas, be it homework, designing science projects, playing sports, or just being wild and fighting in the playground, little ever came of it. My father worked very hard to give me the all-American male upbringing, Little League, baseball, soccer, basketball, scouting, and other male-bonding rites of passage. We had a pitchback on our front lawn, so that every day that wasn't brutally cold, would have us there attempting to play baseball, quite often being interrupted by his screaming, "catch the ***&&%% ball, chucky, don't be afraid of it" . He became the little league coach, where I was further humiliated in front of all the other boys. In Cub Scouts, I was the only boy that could never tie the knots, learn any of the camping skills, or earn any of the Merit badges. Once again my father was the Troop leader, becoming very frustrated and embarrassing me in front of everyone.

JHS, especially in Public School, is extremely traumatic for anyone. However, it was infinitely more so for me, because as much as I tried and wanted to make friends, bond, and form solid rel-ships with other boys, it never happened. At the time, I was beginning to develop a strong interest in Yiddishkeit, and learning Torah. Every Shabbos, during walks home with the local Conservative Rabbi, someone from the old school, who learned in Torah V-Daas, not JTS, there was no end to my questions. Most went unanswered. This caused great internal turmoil. On the one hand, I now realized, it was important to relate to boys more, on the other, emotionally, this was extremely difficult and I never succeeded at it. In fact, the closest relationships in my adolescent years were with girls, and none of them became sexual.

If you are wondering about my orientation, I am 100% straight and for sure, there were tremendous taivos and thoughts like any healthy adolescent, going thru puberty, nevertheless none of thes friendships ever became physical.

By the time, I reached High School, there was really no point in denying my feelings, and the tremendous pressure of being in all Honors classes, and working hard to get all As, and do my best to assure getting into a good college left no energy, or mental/emotional abilities to fight it..As a result of this, whereas, in JHS, I took wood-shop, contact sports, and all male-dominated subjects and activities; in HS , I took Home Ec (cooking and sewing), tennis, golf, and swimming. Interestingly, I was able to convince the Phys Ed director to allow me to swim between periods, when the pool wasn’t being used, to avoid mixed swimming. For extra-curricular activities, I got very involved in Debate Club, Poetry Club, and a Literature extra-credit seminar that featured romance novels. An added benefit of was that extremely intelligent, cultured students were far more open-minded and accepting than the general school population. I developed many close relationships with very sweet girls as a result of this.

In 11th grade, after making the full commitment to become frum, a strange dichotomy came about. I wanted to avoid girls entirely to conform with halacha, but that was sort of like not breathing. The year started off with an eight week stint in a mainstream Yeshiva HS, far away from home, that was abysmally unproductive. The secular education provided was appalling; the Limudei Kodesh was at best satisfactory, however all the spoiled FFB kids didn’t take it seriously in the least bit , and it felt like JHS, all over again, this time in 24/7 mode sans bus stops and study halls..To make matters worse, a perpectual estrogen-free environment was absolutely unbearable. So I returned to my former HS until graduation.

After HS, I chose to go to Yeshiva instead of the several ivy league universities that I was accepted to. Boro Park proved to be a very repressive atmosphere. The stifling intense gender segregation and prevailing attitudes exacerbated matters immeasurably. The year or so there was absolute torture. Fortunately, I was able to find a very, nice, warm out-of-town Yeshiva, where things were more laid-back. I drove my Rebbe’s daughters all over, as well as, some of the local wives from time to time, when they needed to go shopping. Being able to socialize and converse with them relieved a lot of the pressure.

Over the years since then, technology has improved matters tremendously. My quality of life has benefited drastically with the introduction of the Internet, blogs, digital voice-changers and awesome makeover software.

So far, I have only gone out in public en-femme about twice, as I have tremendous apprehension about it, socially and halachically. I would like to use this blog to get feedback from other frum CDs, as well as, to explore my feelings..

Input needed

What will become of this blog?
As I stated last week, I don't want to cause others to sin. Some people have commented that I was in fact performing a service, allowing us closeted frum CDs an outlet. But if it is to be used as an outlet, that means YOU have to ALSO contribute. The CD fiction was fun, but I think it may be exasperating our "issues" not helping.Your thoughts and contributions would be appreciated.

It would be greatly appreciated if anyone who has thoughts, feelings, experiences relating to this would share them in a caring, sensitive way, as I am trying really hard to avoid Goyish support groups and forums, and feel very alone and confused...

A New Beginning

I found this blog to be so unique, so comforting, and so helpful, that it cused me considerable distress when it was taken down. So I have decided to rebuild it, and help my new friend Shoshana run it. Unless there is a tremendous demand from the readers, I have decided to avoid the whimsical fiction and stick to truth. The main part of the blog will be to predominately discuss issues, be it of a psycological, emotional nature, as well as the Halachic and Hashkafic ramifications to Orthodox Jews who have already transitioned and are living it full or part time, those in the process of transition, as well as, those among us, who are merely curious, and are exploring the CD and re-evaluating our gender issues and what we are comfortable with.. That isnt to say it will be a deadly serious blog, either. Hopefully there will be room for fun too...

Stephany


Do Orthodox Jewish crossdressers exist?

I'm not really sure. I sometimes feel as if I am the only frum man out there with a desire to look like a beautiful frum, woman. Am I wrong? If you're an Orthodox, frum man, and you're a crossdresser, please use this blog as a place where you can let your hair (or sheitel) down! Tell us about yourself, in as much detail as you'd like. If you're married, does your wife know about your second self? If so, does she care a lot or a little? (I can't imagine any woman encouraging this!)

I don't want to really encourage crossdressing, because if you're frum, you also know this behavior is questionable. But hopefully this can be an outlet.

I look forward to hearing from the "women" in your lives!

Love,
Genevieve