Feelings

So yesterday, first I was in the Library in the morning, as I don’t have a printer. As fate would have it , the computer that was assigned to me, had me sitting next to a rather attractive young, frum lady. She was quite a distraction, but not for the obvious reason that most people would think. I really admired her shoes and hosiery. How I would of loved to tell her, and have a girl-girl conversation.

Her sheitl was also really beautiful. I found it frustrating, beyond words that I couldn’t tell her so, but obviously in our circles that would be suicidal. I wonder how many of my new friends, that BH, I have been fortunate to meet thru this blog experiences these nesoynos on a regular basis.




Later on in the afternoon, I had to attend a Vort . Since, I didn’t know a soul there, as it was my wife’s friend , I spent most of the time together with my wife in the lady’s section. There was no one to talk to, so I basically was just observing what everyone was wearing, and how put-together most of the girls were. I experienced tremendous feelings of jealousy, as I would of loved to get all dolled out for this affair. Especially since on a more social note, I find it somewhat unfair that often I can go to a Shalom Zochur or Kiddush, even with a crowd that I know and still just sit there the whole time and be totally ignored. Whereas, my wife or mother-in-law can go to the same simchas, and know absolutely no one and yet all the ladies are very friendly and talk to them the whole time. . I sometimes make myself happy by fantasizing that I say some magic words, and puff, Im one of the girls, the prettiest one, lol…

Shirah, commented about the brocha “Shelo Asani Isha”. That is something to ponder. Do you go by your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or do you still go by your physical mtzius. Its hard to say. On the whole topic of cross-dressing in general, and the emotional feelings in particular, first I asked a number of rather Yeshivish Rovs in the community. I specifically went to the ones that I had the impression were very open-minded and understating. To my total chagrin and disappointment, they just said, that it’s a disgusting, sick world and such ppl need help. Fortunately, I was pleased that I emailed here, and they did a very nice piece, even though they sidestepped the core of the matter. But at least, I know where to go to discuss it further.

In conclusion, I also want to say thank youto SaraH, the warmth and friendship she has extended me means a lot.